Anxiety

Life is weird sometimes. One moment you are drinking tequila shots and dancing on a table with no care in the world, the next you´ve got so much going on you feel like your head is exploding.

Lately a lot has happened in my life...from being very sick and basically going to the doctors every other day, to my big exam and a pretty confusing love life. Well, not that I´m complaining. I am extremely lucky and thankfully things always seem to work out in the end (I´m soooo happy with my grades this time!!) But I do know the feeling of waking up and wanting to hide under the blanket until all of it goes away. The problem is: it won´t. Not unless you deal with it. But while some people seem to be able to power trough difficult and stressful times simply by drinking lots of coffee and having a chat with their best friend, I often feel overwhelmed by them.

I have been struggling with anxiety and depression for several years now and I am getting better at knowing and avoiding triggers. But still: sometimes you can do everything right and your feelings will still overpower you. And times like these it becomes a little too easy to fall back into old patterns. I don´t have a magic cure to make myself feel okay, but writing is very therapeutic for me. Almost as if by putting my feelings down into words I get them out of my head. I recommend it to everyone. As well as meditation, walks by yourself and (contrary to popular belief) a gin and tonic...or two.  As Frank Sinatra said: „Basically, I'm for anything that gets you through the night - be it prayer, tranquilizers or a bottle of Jack Daniels.“ All I can say to someone dealing with a similar thing is that I can promise you it will get better, I just can´t tell you when...

A little monolouge about London´s magic

London is not quite like any other city I have been to. For instance before living in London I thought that „secret bars“ were a thing only existant in movies or some shady red light districts. Also I used to care about what people thought of my hair/makeup/style. Yeah, you totally loose that in London. Because noone gives a fuck if your legs are too pale for that dress or you didn´t have time to wash your hair that morning. People call London a fashion metropole but I think that is mainly because everyone feels so free to express themselves and have their own look. Also because  Topshop exists. But if I got into that I would never get to the end of this blogpost. Let´s just say that I could spend DAYS in the Oxford Street Topshop and not get bored.

Another thing London has taught me is how much more of a city you see at night when the streets are all empty and foggy. I used to go on walks at that time a lot (mostly because I´d just left some club and was on my way home) and I loved it. I once walked all the way from Oxford Circus to Holborn in high heels and a mini skirt. In March. I was freezing my butt off quite literally but I didn´t care. Needless to say I have had my fair share of weird encounters with other night owls. Once it was a baby fox. Another time it was a drug dealer that got into elaborate business plans with my friend on our walk home from XOYO at 5am (getting a cab in Shoreditch is incredibly difficult). And then there was that one time I was heartbroken over a guy and left the nightbus in platforms and a trenchcoat. Crying. And listening to depressing music. When a man came up to me and started talking. I thought he was just being creepy and proceeded to ignore him but he looked so genuinely worried that I finally pulled out one of my earphones and slightly rudely said „What?“. He was actually really nice and worried and asked me „Miss...are you alright? Do you know where you´re going? Do you know how to get home?“ I must´ve looked awful, but my point is that in London a stranger  can become a friend instantly. Be it the drunk chicks in the bathroom of your favourite club, the taxi driver or that girl serving you your cappucino at Starbucks that compliments your nail polish. There was a shop close to my residence that sold everything from gin to speakers that I used to get cigarettes and water bottles from. After a while the guy started recognizing me and asking me about my day. By the end of my stay we were pretty much buddies and he used to give me gum for free. All that stuff could never have happened to me anywhere else, I´m sure. And that is why I believe London must have some sort of magic to it that I find very hard to explain and I doubt this blogpost will do it justice, but I just had to try to put into words why I love it so much.